Mashup: The Prodigal Son vs The Emperor's New Clothes vs The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Barabbas? Really?

The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 21st!

Dlisted.

When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. "I am innocent of this man's blood," he said. "It is your responsibility!"  Matthew 27:24

Casting Pearls Before Swine.

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6

The meaning is pretty simple to figure out; "Do not persist in offering what is sacred or of value to those who have no appreciation for it, because your gift will not only become contaminated and be despised, your generous efforts could also be rebuffed and perhaps even openly attacked."

Monkey And The Fish.

A typhoon had temporarily stranded a monkey on an island. In a secure, protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed obvious to the monkey that the fish was struggling and in need of assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.
A tree precariously dangled over the spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down and snatched the fish from the threatening waters. Immediately scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground. For a few moments the fish showed excitement, but soon settled into a peaceful rest.

Joy and satisfaction swelled inside the monkey. He had successfully helped another creature.

My Babe's Been Short With Me Lately.

Q.What's the difference between a Bris and a Get*?
 A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck. (A "Get" is a divorce)

My Excuses.

Parable Of Great Supper. 

"A certain man gave a great supper and invited many"

http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/luke-chapter-14/

 

Dates.

One day the Hodja and his wife were eating dates. Hodja's wife noticed that the Hodja was eating the dates with their seeds. `Hodja Effendi, why are you eating the dates with the seeds?' she asked. `Because when the grocer sold them to me, he weighed them with the seeds.' was Hodja's explanation.

Helva Blues.

One day Nasreddin Hodja felt like eating helva. He would have made some but there was no butter, no sugar and no flour at home. The larder was empty, his stomach was empty and his pockets were empty. He was being tormented with the dream of a huge plate full of helva and he was getting hungrier and hungrier. Finally, he decided to walk down the road to the grocery store.
 `Do you have flour?' he asked the grocer.
`I certainly do, Hodja Effendi.'
`Do you have sugar?'
 `Yes, I do.'
 `Do you have butter?'
 `Yes, Hodja Effendi.'
 `So then, what's holding you back, my friend? Make yourself a good pot of helva and eat it!'

IF THIS BE THE LIVER.

Nasreddin Hodja was very fond of liver. But every time he brought some home, his wife would seize the opportunity and give a party to her friends. Come evening, the Hodja would again be fed some soup or rice.
The excuse was always the same: "Ah, Effendi, that good-for-nothing cat of yours stole the liver and ate the lot!"
On one such evening, the Hodja could contain himself no longer. He sprang up, fetched the steelyard and, tying a handkerchief around the cat's middle, weighed it carefully. Then, turning to his wife, he said, "I thought so! The liver I brought home today weighed exactly one kilo. This cat here weighs one kilo too. Well, woman, if this be the liver, where is my cat!?"

Finding A Piece Of Truth.

One day Mara, the Evil One, was travelling through the villages of India with his attendants. he saw a man doing walking meditation whose face was lit up on wonder. The man had just discovered something on the ground in front of him.

Mara's attendant asked what that was and Mara replied, "A piece of truth." "Doesn't this bother you when someone finds a piece of truth, O Evil One?" his attendant asked. "No," Mara replied. "Right after this, they usually make a belief out of it."

LAST HOPE.

The Hodja had lost his donkey and was going about searching for it, at the same time singing gaily.

Someone couldn't help asking:

"It is funny hearing you sing, Hodja Effendi, when everyone knows you have lost your donkey. One would expect to hear you wailing and lamenting your loss!"

"My one last hope is that the dumb creature may be behind that hill yonder, my friend," replied the Hodja. "Wait and hear the wailing and lamenting if that shouldn't be the case!"

Interest.

One day a friend asked Nasreddin Hodja to lend him some money.

`Hodja, I am a little hard up,' he said, `can you lend me some money with interest.'

`I don't have any cash,' the Hodja replied, `but I can lend you as much interest as you want.'

Be a Lamp.

You must be your own lamps,  
Be your own refuges.  
Take refuge in nothing outside yourselves.  
Hold firm to the Dharma as a lamp and a refuge.  
Do not look for refuge to anything besides yourselves.  
— From the Nirvana Sutra 

Small Barn.

Nasreddin Hodja's barn was very small, it could barely house his donkey. When Hodja's wife insisted that they should get a cow, so that they could benefit from its milk, the Hodja always refused, claiming there was no room in the barn for a cow. But the wife persisted and the Hodja gave in. They bought a cow. When they brought the cow home, it turned out that Nasreddin Hodja was right. When the cow was lying down, the donkey had to stand and when the donkey was lying down, the cow had to stand. The Hodja was very upset that his beloved donkey was uncomfortable all night long. He wished that the cow would die and his cherished donkey would have peace.

`My Allah!' he prayed, `If you take the cow, the wife cannot pester me any more and my donkey would have the barn all to himself.'

The next morning when the Hodja entered the barn, to his dismay, he found his donkey dead.

`You Sublime Creator,' he addressed the heavens, `don't be upset with me for saying this, but after all these years, you still can't tell a cow from a donkey!'

Half Way To Ending Poverty.

Rabbi Naftali of Ropchitz was known for his persistence--and for his wit.

One day, he remained in the synagogue an entire morning, praying that the rich would give more of their money to the poor.

When he returned home, his wife asked him, "Were you successful with your prayer?"

Rabbi Naftali answered with a smile, "I am half-way there!"

His wife looked puzzled.

"Oh, yes" he assured her. "The poor have agreed to accept!"

The Thief.

A businessman, travelling by coach through a forest, was accosted by a thief.

"Your money or your life," said the thief.

"Take all that I have," said the traveller, "but please don't harm me."

The thief took the man's money and was about to leave when his victim begged, "Take pity on me! How can I return home, having spent so much time an the road, with nothing to show for my effort? I'll be the laughing stock of the community. People will say that I failed as a businessman. They won't believe that I was robbed. At least if I could prove that I put up a great struggle before surrendering my possessions, then the disgrace would be easier to bear. Please, do me a favor and shoot two bullets into my top-hat so that the robbery will be obvious."

The thief was sympathetic and obliged his victim by firing two bullets into the hat.

"While you're at it," pleaded the traveller, "maybe you could put another two holes into the coach."

Again the thief consented, and fired two more rounds into the luxurious wagon.

He was about to go when, in a voice which was hardly a whisper, his victim timidly said, "I know that this may seem silly, but perhaps you could shoot a few bullets into my overcoat so that the story will be more convincing."

The thief did as he was asked until his bullets were gone. Then the traveller overpowered his assailant and retrieved his money. 

The Horse's Reflection.

A shop-keeper came to Rabbi Meir of Premislan. "Rabbi, I am ruined. Do you know what is happening across the street from my shop? Someone else is opening another shop. He will take all my business. I will lose my livelihood!"

Rabbi Meir said to the frantic man, "Sit down. You have sometimes taken your horse to drink from a pool of water, have you not?"

"Yes, Rabbi. But...."

The rabbi continued. "Have you ever noticed how the horse stamps in the water before drinking?"

"Yes, of course."

"Good. I will tell you why the horse stamps his hoof." The rabbi leaned forward in his chair. "The horse sees his reflection in the water. He doesn't know he is seeing himself; he thinks there is another horse at the pool. The horse is afraid there won't be enough water for both of them. So he tries to chase away the other horse by stamping."

The rabbi paused.

"But there is plenty of water for many horses. God's abundance flows like a river."

The rabbi leaned back in his chair and smiled. For the first time that day, the shop-keeper smiled back.

The Prince Who Thought He Was a Turkey.

There was once a prince who took ill and decided he was a turkey. Stripping off his clothes, he crouched naked under the royal table, refusing to eat anything but crumbs which had fallen to the ground. The king was greatly upset. Many doctors were called to the palace to examine the prince but none could offer a cure.

One day a wise man came to the king and said, "Let me live in your home that I might befriend your son. Be patient and I will make him well again." Immediately the sage approached the royal table, stripped off his clothes and sat down naked next to the prince.

"Who are you and what are you?" demanded the king's son.

"I am your friend, a turkey like yourself," the wise man replied. "I thought you might be lonely and decided to come and live with you for a while."

Some weeks passed. The "turkeys" grew accustomed to each other and soon became good friends. They ate crumbs, drank from tin plates and discussed the advantages of being domesticated birds rather than men.

One night, when the royal family was having dinner, the wise man signaled to the king, whose servants brought two silk robes and cautiously placed them under the table. The sage quickly donned one of the robes and before the king's son could utter a word proudly announced, "There are some dumb turkeys who are so insecure that they believe putting on a silk robe might endanger their identity." The prince thought for a moment, nodded his head and began to clothe himself.

Some days later the wise man once again signaled the king. Broiled beef, baked potatoes, and fresh green vegetables were brought and placed on the ground near the sage. Looking quite pleased with himself, the wise man bit into his food and exclaimed, "Absolutely delicious! It's good to be a turkey sophisticated enough to enjoy the food of men." The prince readily agreed and hungrily ate his fill.

Eventually, the wise man called for some silverware and asked to be served from the king's good china. "After all," he explained to the prince, "why shouldn't intelligent turkeys want the best for themselves?"

Finally, after many months the sage came and sat by the table. While eating and drinking with the royal family, he called down to the prince and said, "Come join me. The food is the same but the chairs make an appreciable difference. Besides we turkeys have a lot to offer. Why should we restrict ourselves by remaining aloof? Certainly our ideas can benefit the minds of men."

The king's son came and sat by the table. It was only a matter of time until he was cured. 

ASL Interpretation of the Day.

YouTube user kdalton8 performs Coolio’s Gangster’s Paradise for her American Sign Language Level 3 class presentation. Extra credit for dressing the part.

The Daily What

Who is Olivia Pope Trailer.

Feb 29, 2012.

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Feb 4,2012.

Didn't turn on my recorder soon enough, that is the end of their rant.

Feb 4, 2012.